In the past 4 months I have noticed something about myself that has me on edge. This time last year I was wearing my smallest jeans comfortably. A size 4 from EXPRESS. Actually one of my favorite pairs of jeans and I can barely button them now. Two years ago I was wearing a size small in the Nike Tempo Shorts and Now that has changed into a size MEDIUM. For a girl that has always been self conscience about weight and size, I sure am folding. At 26 my body is just not what it was 3 and 4 years ago. I know it's a little shallow thinking but I'm a girl so I think I get a pass!haha
In High School I was always really average. I played tennis year around, so I was always pretty fit. I mean my favorite thing to do, was to seriously run stadiums. Also, In high school I always thought I was bigger, but looking back, I had NO IDEA!
I had a freak out moment the Summer I graduated and was about to move off for college. That summer I was running up to fourteen miles a day and seriously would barely eat. I knew I was going off to Ole Miss and was going to go through Rush and so I wanted to look my best.......I just went a tad overboard. I can remember the moment I realized I had a problem.....About two weeks before I moved off for college I was running in probably 95 degree heat around the track at my high school. This particular morning as I was running my legs began to shake and I began seeing black spots in the sky. The next thing I knew I came to laying on the track with a skinned up knee. I walked back to my car and started thinking I might have a problem. To give you an idea, the day I moved into the dorms I could slide off my size 4 Abercrombie and Fitch shorts without unbuttoning or unzipping them, I also had to wear a belt or they would slide off if I just moved slightly. I think after those 3 months I shot my metabolism!
When Rush was over, let's say I didn't have a problem anymore! By Sophomore year I was at my heaviest. I was not working out nor playing tennis and I was drinking Keg beer and eating Chicken on a stick way too much. I am too embarrassed to tell you what size I was........but let's say it was in the double digits.
Now, let me say this real quick. I don't think girls that are in double digits are fat or anything like that. I am just saying for ME it was extremely unhealthy. It is not in my genetics to be heavy set. Neither of my parents are heavy, most of their family is not either. Trust me, I judge myself far more than I have ever judged anyone else!
Between my time from Ole Miss to Alabama I went on a HUGE diet and got on some appetite suppressant pills. I went from double digits to a size small 4 in just months. That is probably the best I looked and probably the best I felt about myself. I maintained that size for close to year or more. Then I got on birth control pills and went up to about a 6......went off birth control pills and went down to a 4.......Broke up with college boyfriend at the beginning of 08' and dropped down to a size 2........... Got over breaking up with college boyfriend went back up to a size 4/6. Went on birth control pills again the late spring/early Summer of 08' and gained about 3 dress sizes in the course of a month.......went off birth control pills and got back down to a 4/6. As you can tell a LOT of yo-yo'ing as far as weight goes.
The last time I have been on appetite suppressant pills was over the Summer......The last time I could wear my favorite jeans.
I just recently bought size 6 jeans......all of mine for the past two years have been size 4's........I am not a size FOUR no More!
Again, I know it's shallow, but to someone that has a BAD body image problem it's the worst! I rarely look in the mirror and like what I see. What I see and what others see are two different things. In all honesty I am my own worst enemy. Somehow I have always been able to hide that from most people. I always keep my confidence up but it's something I secretly disguise. I think my mom knows and that is about it, and well everyone that reads this now!haha.
I have almost grown tired of the struggle. It's exhausting. Part of me thinks "I have to keep killing myself to be my smallest because I'm single," and the other half thinks, "What is one dress size really going to affect?" I am always the girl that will extreme diet for a wedding, a cocktail, or a get together where I haven't seen people in a while. I mean there is rarely a day that passes that I don't think about my size. So I am a having a war with myself and at the end of the day, I'm just left feeling disappointed. Since early Fall I have noticed I haven't been going out as much as usual and part of that is, I know I have gone up a size, and as much as I work out, it's not coming off, IT'S FRUSTRATING!!!! People with major eating problems understand this.....other people, are probably going to think I need to be strapped into a white jacket. I know it's crazy but I feel more in control and confident when the size on my dresses say size 6 or my jeans say 4 or my tops say SIZE SMALL. I want nothing more but to go back on the pills. I mean I have all these great winter sweaters and tops and I barely can fit in them. It's not fair!!Now, I know what most of you are thinking, It's a great excuse to shop, but you're wrong! I cannot afford a new wardrobe and honestly I have this thing where I will not buy something if it says like a size 10. (unless i know it's sized wrong) It's physically, emotionally, and psychologically draining! I can't get on the pills right now because the doctor that prescribes them to me is out on leave.
I absolutely hate shopping for swim suits because it's so hard to find one that doesn't cause me to bulge out everywhere! MOM: IF YOUR READING THIS YOU MIGHT WANT TO STOP RIGHT NOW!!! (Remember I am trying to be more myself here!!) hahaha!! But I hate to think what past boyfriends have thought of my body. I mean I had meanie undergrad ex boyfriend point out stretch marks on my thigh/booty one time. I wanted to dive into a cave. I hate to even sit on a guy's lap while he is sitting in a chair because I think I would DIE if the chair broke or something. I hate to even be picked up by a guy. I mean if I judged the guys I dated by the standards I judged myself, I would date NO ONE!!! Thank the LORD I have always been more attracted to a guy's personality rather than looks. It's so weird but I rarely judge guys by looks, but yet It's the first thing I judge on myself.
I'm sure for you 3 or 4 I have just wasted your time, but I have to vent somewhere guys!!lol!!Do any of you think like this?
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