looking back...........

          The past few months I have been asking if I am on the right track in life. I have been second guessing if choices I am making and choices I have made in the past were correct.  Tonight I was proven that I know I made one decision right.  In my life, I have never felt so relieved and validated at the same time. 
           I will explain, I once was a girl that always had a level head, a huge unbroken heart, and an innocent naiveness.  I then started dating and it all changed.   I had dated a few boys here and there but when I fell in love I fell hard.  I learned what my own tears tasted like, I learned how to absolutely love someone unconditionally with all my heart and never have an ounce of that given back, I learned how someone could look me in the eye and lie to me.  I thought I could change the bad in him, I thought it didn't matter how much my feelings would get hurt, I went as far as not worrying about myself and only about him. I slowly began losing myself. I was no longer the girl that never gave a boy a chance; I was now giving 8th and 39th chances. I was no longer  the same girl who never backed down whether it be a tennis court or jumping off a cliff ......that girl somehow got lost.   
           I think back now and it's funny how one person can affect the rest of your life, and it can be for the worst or the best. In my case it was the worst.  I knew this relationship was toxic and I stayed in it for the same reasons I want to change people's life for the better.  I finally learned you can't help someone when they have no drive within themselves to want to change.
            After a lot of fights, a lot of time, a lot of tears and a few good times it all came crashing to an end. I didn't want it to end the way it did but as they say "when push came to shove" I had to just give up. After the final straw had been placed on my back, I knew he had broken me.  I was in shock for about a day but when the shock was over, the realization set in and I was angry, depressed, relieved, confused, and a mess.  I couldn't sleep for months. I suffered from night sweats, and nightmares.  I would wake up and immediately throw-up. I would cry all the time and after the normal time your friends give you after a break up had run out, I would close everyone out and just sit and cry all by myself. I lost about fifteen pounds from just not wanting anything to eat. Thankfully I had friends during my "dark ages" to pick me up because there were times I couldn't do it.  My parents were supportive but it was more "you're just going to have to get over it."  They knew I would find myself again in time. In the mean time I use to pray to God to make the pain go away and just pull my heart out.
             In time I started realizing I am still standing. I'm still breathing. I'm still here.When I felt like my world was ending.......... it was, that world with him ended, but I wasn't ending, I was right there.  See, that world did crash down in flames but my life didn't.  I then started thinking maybe that pain I am suffering from is a good thing, it means I still can feel.  I thought maybe every tear I cried was actually one drop of pain I didn't have to carry around.  I slowly but surely learned how to cope and that within itself was a small victory.  I started going out on dates with other boys to occupy time but I kept my distance.  I now look back and kick myself for not ending it or him ending it, for the FINAL time earlier. I do however have to thank him for a few things I learned along the way and thank him for the person I am today.  I have to thank him for teaching me how to detect when a boy is cheating on me. I have to thank him for teaching me how strong I really am. I finally have to thank him for not calling me or wanting anything to ever do with me after we had our final break up.  I know I will never be the same girl I was before he damaged me but isn't that what people do in life?  We all damage someone at one point or another, it's just if you can mold the bad into a stepping stone to get to the good, Right?